So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize