Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
