I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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