3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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