Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
