Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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