I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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