I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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