Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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