I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize