You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I will pee on everything he values.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
