I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I AM VODKA MAN
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
