I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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