i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
