i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
