Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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