a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
