I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
