Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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