I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
