I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
