i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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