My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
