I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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