fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I didn't notice because vodka
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize