the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Everclear isn't food dammit
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
