i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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