My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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