But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
