on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
