Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
