:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
