So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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