I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize