You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
