I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
