there's paper in my vomit.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I will pee on everything he values.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
