I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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