Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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