i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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