she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
