Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
