HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
