at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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