Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
