it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
