I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
