A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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