1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
