I cannot find my penis.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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