got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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