I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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