so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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