if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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