she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
