I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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